MY FITNESS ASSESSMENT

At last – shirt and pants back on and I feel a bit more secure and comfortable. Arne is ready to commence with his specialty – fitness testing.

But the torture has just started – now, according to Mr. Perfect whom wishes to ruin my comfortable lifestyle, it is time for my VO2 Max test

According to internet VO2 Max test ( maximal aerobic capacity) : Is the maximum capacity of an individual’s body to transport and use oxygen during incremental exercise, which reflects the physical fitness of the individual. The name is derived from V – volume, O₂ – oxygen, max – maximum.

I immediately notice “incremental exercise” with a crinch and wonder what my pot belly body’s “physical fitness” level is going to be. I know my  unique individual body is going to need a lot of capacity to transport oxygen around the many steep curves. I especially despise the word “maximum” which sounds unpleasant after the recently passed festive season.

My Vitals :

Resting heart rate : 82/min – it satisfies Mr.Perfect and even myself as family physician

Blood pressure : 110/90 – diastolic (bottom) reading a bit high according to Mr. Perfect (which I am off course well aware off, but he is obviously not aware of the effect of physiological stress on blood pressure – I don’t tell him that either, I just enjoy my superior knowledge and the fact they don’t train them so well at University anymore)

Age : 49 – well congratulations on that knowledge eldest son!

Now that we have this vital statistics, we proceed to the treadmill. I attach my body strap and wrist watch with heart rate monitor preparing for the much awaited “how bad have I become” assessment.

There is apparently something wrong with the watch heart rate monitor because my heart rate increases going down the staircase to our basement. I believe there is more mercy shown towards a murderer on the way to the gallows – why is Arne smiling – he really takes so much after his mom.

Apparently  3.5 mile per hour would be a nice and easy pace for me to start off with. It sounds reasonable to me as well and I set off on the treadmill. I am actually surprised it doesn’t feel too uncomfortable and I don’t even have to swing my arms too much. Easier than I thought…

I still don’t trust the new heart monitor watch because my heart rate is suddenly up to 129 beats per minute. I must have had bad coffee this morning because I am a bit short of breath and my stomach feels full. After 3 minutes Mr. Perfect asks me how I am? Great!! Of course – how else when being dragged forward by a forever running machine!! He smiles… and increases the incline to 2 degrees.

That’s funny, but my legs feel rubbery – must be that new virus going around – the next symptoms are usually nausea, diarrhea and vomiting – I am not in a mood for that… After another 3 minutes, again the kind inquiry about my well being from my wife’s first child. I will never ever ask patients again how they are without meaning it – it is downright cruel. Mr. Smiling Monster increases the incline to 4 degrees. How’s your breathing – if I could talk I would have told you!! How are your legs feeling – what’s your heart rate – oops, its up to 147 beats per minute – we have to stop, dad.

Oh, so sorry to hear that – wish I could continue for another 30 fricken  minutes!!!

But “stop” in the perfect kinesiology exercise physiology world means decreasing the speed to 3 miles per minute. I regain some balance after a few seconds and get settled back properly in my running (walking) (dragging) shoes. After a few minutes of “stopping” at 3 miles an hour my heart rate has recovered from 147 to 139 to 127 beats per minute. If my heart rate watch could register heart language I am sure it would spit out language and words I can’t repeat.

“Good job dad” is the trophy I receive for my efforts. I receive it with trembling hands and a one sided smile. We go back upstairs to continue and finish the theoretical part of the assessment. My heart rate watch is definitely faulty because my heart rate leaps above the set limits.

We sit down, I hang on to the table cloth. I wonder if I ever had breakfast today? Arne’ explains how to work out my desired heart rate to achieve during exercise. It must for sure be that flu virus – I feel light headed. He mentions we are going to start of at 55% of my maximum heart rate for week one for 20 minutes 3 times a week.  He also explains how we are going to increase the exercise target heart rate and duration of exercise over 10 weeks. It can’t be the flu virus, perhaps I have malaria from our last South African trip…

“And that’s it dad. Just keep up the hard work and I will check on you weekly. And remember the penalties that you and mom have to draw up for each other.”

Penalties?!!  There is more punishment than this just survived session?

Thanks for the Christmas gift my oldest dearest son!!!

Dr. G.S.A.